06 November 2009

respec

I locked them all up in my cellar today: all the miserable mullahs, the creepy cardinals, the awful archbishops and one putrescent pope along with a handful of purply priests.

I told them all to take off their stupid dresses and hats and to put on boiler suits (provided) and to feed my boiler.

They can be heard whingeing through the floorboards that I am not showing them proper respect.

All their flocks are knocking on my door saying, 'what do we do now?'

'Do good works', I tell them, 'what are you, sheepl?'

'Baaaaaa', they go.

02 November 2009

Beeton Back


Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management 1859 Chapter xx
"Birds, the free tenants of land, air and ocean,
Their forms all symmetry, their motions grace;
In plumage delicate and beautiful;
Thick without burthen, close as fishes' scales,
Or loose as full-blown poppies to the breeze."

"The Divisions of birds are founded principally on their habits of life, and the natural resemblance which their external parts, especially their bills, bear to each other. According to Mr Vigors, there are five orders, each of which occupies its peculiar place on the surface of the globe; so that the air, the forest, the land, the marsh, and the water, has each its appropriate kind of inhabitants. These are respectively designated as Birds of Prey, Perchers, Walkers, Waders, and Swimmers; and, in contemplating their variety, lightness, beauty, and wonderful adaptation to the regions they severally inhabit, and the functions they are destined to perform in the grand scheme of creation, our hearts are loifted with admiration at the exhaustless ingenuity, power, and wisdom of HIM who has, in producing them, so strikingly manifested His handiwork. Not only these, however, but all classes of animals, have their peculiar ends to fulfil; and, in order that this may be effectually performed, they are constructed in such a manner as will enable them to carry out their conditions. Thus the quadrupeds, that are formed to tread the earth in common with man, are muscular and vigorous; and, whether they have passed into the servitude of man, or are permitted to range the forest or the field, they still retain, in a high degree, the energies with which they were originally endowed. Birds, on the contrary, are generally feeble, and, therefore, timid. Accordingly, wings have been given them to enable them to fly through the air, and thus elude the force which, by nature, they are unable to resist. Notwithstanding the natural tendency of all bodies towards the centre of the earth, birds, when raised in the atmosphere, glide through it with the greatest ease, rapidity, and vigour. There, they are in their natual element, and can vary their course with the greatest proptitude - can mount or descend with the utmost facility, and can light on any spot with the most perfect exactness, and without the slightest injury to themselves."

Mrs B could clearly make an outstanding plum duff and if she and Darwin would've exchanged their respective masterpieces for Christmas '59 then they both might have learned something new and interesting.

03 October 2009

Purple Patch


We have a shed load of these purple Arran Victory spuds. They make great mash but don't overcook as they tend to fall apart.

Apple Day



We cooked some apples over the bonfire. They were delicious; warm sweet apple juice dribbling down our chins. Yum.

Ben practiced his survival skills; putting up the tent and setting up camp; lighting the fire with his sparker (one of those thingys you see whathisface use on the telly to light his fires in the wilderness); cooking our lunch on the trangia stove (baked beans) and setting up a camp kitchen. He even wanted to spend the night but I whimped out on that one.

En Suite Allotment

video

I installed en suite facilities for the ducks. For the preservation of modesty perhaps a shower curtain should be next. I don't think shower gel will be necessary. As it's Saturday night I might put in a duckcoteque later so they can strut their stuff to 60's classics. Cleanest, happiest ducks in Lancaster.

03 September 2009

not superduper....

Aghhhh! I don't like it; the nights are drawing in too quickly and it's too wet and cold already.

Get a grip weather - it's only the first week in September for goodness sakes! Plenty of time for a nice indian, if you please.

The picture is 0.5 seconds into the core collapse of a star going supernovae modelled in a supercomputer. At least ours isn't about to do that anytime soon, even if it might help ripen off the last few toms.

Apparantly my little allotment blog is so goddam powerful and subversive, if you live in China, you will not be allowed to access it.

Tested From: Shanghai, China Tested At: 2009-09-0304:56:21 (GMT -04:00) URL Tested: http://sirlancsallot.blogspot.com Resolved As: 74.125.153.191 Status: Failure in receiving network data Response Time: 1.181 sec

Ha ha! Communist Despots. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
Clodhopper is coming to get YOU.

31 August 2009

Pan's in the kitchen


Pan eh? Well that was a bit predictable wasn't it....Lyra's daemon in Northern Lights. I can live with that. Our Pan seems determined to be a vegetarian though as he just loves fresh veg off the allotment. Their guts are not designed for this as they are pretty much exclusively carniverous so you have to be a bit careful not to let him overindulge.

He crawled up my trousers last night and out the top; luckily he didn't eat anything on the way through.

29 August 2009

spooky men

The Spooky Men invaded my local on Thursday night en route between gigs. They sang for their guinness (and their beds), and somehow or other we managed to find enough hovels for them to sleep in.

They take the piss out of a lot of sacred cows in such rich, deep and beautiful harmony that I for one will be glad to have them back any day of any month of any year they care to come. Our two were well behaved anyway - they even stroked the ferret.

I would upload a sound file but you can just find them on u tube nay bother sheila. Come again soon guys!

24 August 2009

Clod's Kitchen (help needed)

There is stuff everywhere in the kitchen. You have to shuffle round like an old man: not because you're knackered (which you are), but because between the bread baking and the dried apple rings and the plum jam and pie filling production lines and the jar cleaning and sterilising a) there is a ferret walking about underfoot (and you might squash it if you move your feet suddenly) and b) there is nowhere to put a mug down to make a damn cup of tea.

Pickings


Plums, peas, apples, tomatoes, beans, courgette and potatoes.

Should be able to concoct something interesting with that lot.

Burnt for Posterity

The clodlet has figured out that digging spuds is hard work but is nontheless proud of his efforts. He even wants sympathy for the war wound. Sheesh! Kids today neh?!